Friday, October 06, 2006

Blogging Them Movies, & Then Some

I got an email alert today, notifying me that I'd been tagged by my fellow Bollywood blogger, Filmiholic (who's world, rumour has it, is totally filmi). Funnily enough, in a situation that reveals quite how small the blogging universe really is, Filmiholic was tagged by another blogging contact. Let's call him the romancing, wining & dining Bombay boy - seriously, his love life keeps me more entertained than my own...

So the key issue at hand here, and one that people have asked for my reflections on, is that query that lurks in the subconscious of every slightly megalomaniacal blogger:

Which movie characters should have had blogs and in what ways would their blogs have changed the movie plots?

Now, this is by no means an easy question. To start with, it requires me to think about ALL those movies that I've seen, and actually am able to remember. Then I'd have to think about ALL those different situations in which the plot development was NOT to my liking, and think about whether or not there would be scope for improving the obviously lacking story with a spot of blogging (hmmm....is that why its called blogspot?!)

Now there are two ways I could go about this - I could either go away, spend time thinking through a lot of different movies, ponder the issue ad inifinitum, and like the Indian Parliament, eventually establish a committee to review the problem and develop a cross party consensus on the matter (much like the much debated and ill fated Womens' Bill) The other, and probably speedier alternative, is to convince you that ANY movie could do with a bit of blogging, though whether the impact on the overall plot would be to our liking or not remains questionable.

Let's start with that classic (well, maybe not really) Hindi college film (well, before Rang De Basanti) Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Anjali & Rahul & best friends, Anjali falls in love with Rahul, Rahul falls in love with Tina, Tina & Anjali are good friends, Anjali can't tell Rahul she loves him because he tells her first that he's in love with Tina, Tina & Rahul get married, Anjali leaves college to go home and never comes back. Tina & Rahul get married, Rahul gets Tina pregnant (well, maybe not in that order, but who knows) Tina gives birth to little Anjali, Tina dies, Rahul brings up little Anjali all by himself (well, maybe with a little help from his mom, Farida Jalal) and then years later runs into an Anjali that is mature, though still in love with him, even if she is trying to hide it by marrying a totally inappropriate Salman Khan (I mean, he's FLIRTING with him prospective mother-in-law! Seriously, how gross is that?!)


Add a little more grey hair please..
What if instead of running away, Anjali had started a blog (perhaps even imaginatively calling it, "I Love Rahul"?) She could have started it out as an anonymous poster, and even got all those girls that were in love with Rahul/Shah Rukh to post as guest columnists or "anonymous commentators", responding to imaginatively titled posts like "Why I love Rahul's high-lycra-content t-shirts" or "Gap - the only casuals brand for my man". Eventually Tina would emerge as the most hated woman on that site ("We love to hate Tina for her legs/hair/lips/skin/dress sense/lack of dress sense/sense of humour/lack of sense of humour/phoren-returned accent/fill in with appropriate hateful attribute") Finally, similar to Darr, we'd have the most psychotic group of stalkers baying for Tina's blood. Given that she died in the original movie anyway, we could add some more drama to her death through a gruesome murder in a misty forest, an abandoned little Anjali that is found and adopted by big Anjali, who rears her as her own until many years later, after she's old and wizened and so is a heartbroken Rahul, they run into each other. They start chatting, little Anjali comes into the scene, Rahul sees a locket that belonged to Tina on little Anjali's neck (perhaps little Anjali could be played by Rani Mukherjee to add that extra frisson of melodrama) and there is a thunderstruck revelation. Thunderclap, multiple camera frames and dramatic music later, there is a tearstruck reunion between father & daughter, and big Anjali & Rahul live on happily ever after (we could even use the song, "Tere Liye, hum hain jeeye, hoton ko seeye...")

What do you mean I'm being paranoid about your stalkers?!
Would that make Kuch Kuch Hota Hai a better movie? I think not.

And while we're at it, what if the guys from Brokeback Mountain had started blogging as well?! Ennis could start a blog titled, "Loved & Lost - How I tried to Quit Him", while Jack could start one called "Why Heath scored over Hathaway". They could write about hot and steamy nights out on the lake, on how "fishing" was no longer enough for them, why denim is the ultimate look for the new man and why the best way to use aftershave is after you've made sure you've moisturised after shaving. There could be special columns on the sexiest way to wear a Stetson, why you should always buy those plaid shirts a size too small (the better to have them hug your torso with) and why you could never be seen outside your house without a properly knotted bandana - think of "Queer Eye for the Cowboy". Soon, after becoming the latest storm in the gay blogging world with racy posts on their sexual escapades (Things That Go Hump in the Night, The Pup in my Tent), they could choose to run away from their restrictive lives and go live in San Francisco and run a cowboy themed men's boutique called "Bucking Bronco" or "Ride'Em Hard", or a steakhouse called "Montana", serving only the best beef the Mid West has to offer.


Love is a Force of Nature....and they say Bollywood has corny lines

Alternatively, what if the blog had been kept not by either of the leads, say by Heath Ledger's disgruntled wife? She could have started writing anonymously, tired of being the poor, overworked store clerk taking care of the babies while her husband was off with his boyfriend. She could have soon become the latest rage of the womens' blogging world, gaining sympathy and support through a variety of forums, being listed on Technorati & BBC World as the voice of the oppressed woman, get a feature listing on Slate, and finally an appearance (anonymous, of course) on Oprah.

Or if our blogger was actually the bitchy wife, Anne Hathaway (who frankly got away with being bitchy because (a) she's hot, (b) they were living off her poor ole Daddy's money and (c) she's hot)? What then would our blogging twist to the tale offer? Would she write a blog about her machine implements? About how she never suspected her rough & ready husband might like it up where the sun doesn't shine? About how even though she was married with a poor ole chile, all she really dreamt about was going out to a rodeo one last time, and sleeping with as many dirty blond cowboys in a haystack behind Big Jim's Saloon?

Yeah - I reckon this 'ere new fangled blogging thing ain't really helping this movie none, neither. Goddamn, I wish I could quit you, blog!


End point being - keep the blogging out of the movies (unless you actually MAKE one about blogging, like they did for email in You've Got Mail.)

But, let this not be the only view on the matter. So here's to some more bloggers: Beth, Maja, Velu & HeartCrossings. I'd personally love to see what these guys have to say...

18 comments:

Filmiholic said...

Curses, TBS!

Serves me right for tagging you after creaking my way through my own tepid post, only to have you write such an imaginative piece!

"I shall be sure to take my tags elsewhere in the future," she said as she slunk away in a huff....

Seriously though, well done, yaar. It's clear to see the restorative value of a holiday back home!

Beth said...

Oooh! I am thrilled to be tagged - I was secretly hoping somehow this would get back to me. I basically agree with you that blogging in movies would probably be dull, but I'll happily put that aside for a writing project.

Velu Nair said...

Gawd!! U have done such an awesome job of the tag, that I wonder if theres anything left to be done!! :)

Anywayz, this does sound very interesting, and I promise I am gonna take it up very soon!!!

:)

Gauravonomics said...

LOL! And Anne Hathway is hot! :D

The Buddha Smiled said...

Hello hello,

Filmi, please don't take those tags away in a huff - its always fun to have a writing project to think about. And you're perfectly right about the value of a holiday - nothing quite adds to the blogging experience as having two rather crazy dogs running circles around your chair at 2 am...

Looking forward to all those projects - Beth, I'm DYING to see if you can work Akshaye Khanna into a blog post! :)

Cheers guys!

Sheetal said...

Hey TBS!

How are you doing? I absolutely loved this post :)

Hope you are well,
Sheetal :)

The Buddha Smiled said...

Hey Sheetal,

I'm doing good. Glad you liked it! :)

Regards,

Sunny Singh said...

Hilarious. Especially the San Fran cowboy themed boutique bit. My question is that now 70s flicks are being remade - does Don have a blog? Where he reflects on his underworld empire, the scantily clad babes and technology. How about RGV's new Sholay? Shouldn't Gabbar - aka the great AB - have a blog too? Just wondering...

The Buddha Smiled said...

Ooh....how cool would a Gabbar blog be?! He could call it, "Kitne Aadmi The"....:)

Regards,

Sunny Singh said...

Or "tera kya hoga sambha..."

Swapna said...

LOL!! Good one!

Perspective Inc. said...

LOL! Nicely done!

Mayank Austen Soofi said...

You know what: I think Brokeback Mountain was a good short story and a very good film. But I can never watch it again. It just makes me so sad. I get sort of scared......and the music (that guitar twang) is just too heart-pierecing......

The Buddha Smiled said...

I like the blog idea for Gabbar....Tera indeed kya hoga, Sambha?

Mayank - agree about Brokeback. It was well done, with great music, but I couldn't resist the potshot!

Anonymous said...

very nice post..
meant to tell you about this but couldn't locate the link till now..it puts brokeback mountain, bollywood and a dollop of activism in the same mix.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha9UN5xG4eg

TheBuddhaWinked

Anonymous said...

the main characters from dil chahta hain should have had blogs, specially akshay khanna's character.
-shahpster

Anonymous said...

hahhahaha ....too good .......aise kitney blogs hai ..hahaha

Daddy's Girl said...

Hey, this was a great post... enjoyed it. Loving your blog. Didn't know there were cool people like you in the City!